Full Oscar Coverage on every other site in the world…

… here though, you’ll only find a blow-by-blow review of the trailer for Danny Dyer’s new film, “Run for your Wife”

0:07 – We’re told that the imaginatively named John Smith (Danny Dyer, playing himself) LOVES being a taxi driver. Which is representative of the sunny disposition of every taxi driver I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.

0:11 – Rolf Harris as a busker. Things are looking up.

0:15 – I didn’t think this was possible, but we’re informed that there’s something Danny Dyer loves more than being a taxi driver – his wife, Denise Van Outen. Remember when we all used to fancy Denise van Outen? That was the 90s, I think.

0:18 – Oh holy shit, he’s got another wife! It’s yer wan from Girls Aloud, I think. Remember when we all used to fancy her? No, I don’t remember either.

0:25 – We’re told that things were going great for our hero Danny Dyer, the happy-go-luck taxi-driving bigamist, until he prevented some poor old homeless woman from being mugged. What a stupid thing to do, apparently.

0:35 – Both wives wake up in the morning wondering where Danny Dyer is, and both ring the exact same police station at the exact same time and say the exact same words, in exact same split screen.

0:44 – Now, all the paparazzi in the UK is after Danny Dyer. “You’ll be on the front page,” he’s told by Neil Morrisey, indicating a complete lack of interesting news on this particular day.

0:51 – The hotshot police detective assigned to the case has good instincts and knows Danny Dyer is up to something. He guesses “drugs”, “illicit gambling” and “body in the cellar”. At no time does he suspect Danny Dyer to be a bigamist cockney taxi driver, even though that’s clearly what Danny Dyer is.

0:54 – I think Denise van Outen and the Girls Aloud Girl are contractually obliged to only ever appear on screen at the same time, in Jack Bauer split screen mode and say the same lines. It must have been a cost-saving measure and a real time-saver for the writer.

0:59 – We’re a minute in and there actually hasn’t been any running yet, debunking my theory that this was a feel-good movie where Danny Dyer runs in a marathon to raise money for his dying spouse.

1:03 – Watch out Neil Morrisey, there’s a cake on that cou…. no, he sat on it.

1:07 – A girl grabs another girl’s boob. Ooooh-errrr, cheeeeeky!

1:08 – Danny Dyer is hit in the face by a rake. This is the only part of the trailer so far that has made me want to see this movie.

1:12 – 1:27 – Too many funny things happen here to list out. I know they were funny because at 1:27 an old man tells us “that was bloody funny.”

1:33 – Cleverly, the trailer chooses to forego the traditional post-title joke and instead Danny Dyer and Neil Morrisey both have strokes, on-screen.

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