Category Archives: Movies

The Inverted Pyramid of Star Trek Movies

star trek into darkness nemesis insurrection first contact generations the undiscovered country the final frontier the voyage home the search for spock the wrath of khan the motion picture

I consider myself a bit of a trekkie. I grew up watching and loving The Next Generation, dabbled in reruns of the original series,  quite liked DS9, religiously watched Voyager and tried my best to like Enterprise. But one thing has always eluded me: the movies. To date, I have only seen some of the original movies, all the Next Generation ones and the JJ Abrams “Star Wars” years.

To finally rectify this, I decided to watch every single Star Trek film in the run up to Into Darkness. My mission, if you will, was to explore strange, old movies, to seek out dated special effects and receding hairlines, to boldly go where millions of geeky men have gone before.

Oh, also I decided to rank them from good to bad in a classic inverted pyramid style, so… ya. As always, lists are dangerous, so for fear of the wrath of die-hard Trek fans, this list is entirely my own opinion and I do not wish to be embroiled in any arguments about whether Kirk or Picard is better, because Picard is.

Here are my brief thoughts on each movie aswell as some random notes I wrote down during each viewing:

SPOILERS FOR ALL Continue reading

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The 2013 Movie Anticipatometer

Last year I invented the Anticipatometer, a method of anticipation-measuring that involves a third-party shouting various movie titles at me while I bounce on a trampoline. A fourth-party then measures the seismic readings of my “leaps for joy”, then feeds that data to a physician who adjusts the measurements according to my size, weight and body mass index. The properties are then ranked accordingly.

Looking back on the 2012 results, there were some instances where my anticipatory leaps became mournful hops of regret (Prometheus, American Reunion) and others where I continued to leap for joy upon exiting the cinema (The Avengers, Django Unchained). The rest were pretty good and were worth the wait – except maybe GI Joe (I quite enjoyed it, but the wait outweighed its merits).

What’s interesting is that only one movie from the list (The Avengers) made it into my 2012 Top Ten at the end of the year (although Django would have made it had it not been released here in January). This could indicate that sometimes too much hype can kill a movie or that there were a lot of surprises in 2012 or just that the movies I get excited about are rarely the best ones.

Here are the ten movies I’m most leaping for throughout the rest of 2013 (could not for the life of me find a still for Gravity):

The 2013 Movie Anticipatometer

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Oblivion: A melting pot of ideas we’ve already seen

Oblivion movie tom cruise review

The end of the world looks gorgeous in Oblivion. From its beautiful barren vistas to the crisp “how the 70s saw the future” white sheen of technology, it is a beauty to behold on the big screen. The design aesthetic is distinct and lovely and something director/writer/producer Joseph Kasinski can be proud of. What feels less distinctive is the narrative, and while it’s undoubtedly solid, it’s far from unique.

The plot in one sentence: The ridiculously named Jack Harper is the last man on a war-torn earth; a drone-repairmen left behind with the last woman on earth as they prepare to meet the rest of humanity on Saturn’s moon, their new home.

The review in several paragraphs: Aswell as looking great, Oblivion has a number of things going for it. Tom Cruise is on very decent form and continues to remind us that he’s still got the screen-presence to place his name above the title. He usually has two ways of playing a character – action hero or everyman. He plays this somewhere in the middle and despite some occasional cheese, it works. The supporting cast are all fine, with Morgan Freeman being Morgan Freeman and Olga Kurylenko being all mysterious and sultry. The standout was Andrea Riseborough, who had the more interesting of the female leads. Also, watch out for Jaime Lannister showing up and Melissa Leo doing a creepy southern accent. Continue reading

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Back to Back: A Supercut

Here’s a cool supercut of characters with their backs to the camera. It seems to be a very popular thing to do in sci fi. I think it’s quite rude though.

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Warm Bodies: Zombie and Juliet

warm bodies

“Horror-comedies” are usually not funny enough, not scary enough, or simply lacking in both departments. It’s hard enough to evoke either laughter or terror by themselves in a movie, but to blend the two and keep the balance right is an entirely different skillset and one that director Jonathan Levine deserves a heap of praise for. On top of that, he somehow brings credibility to what is a ludicrously daft love story.

The plot in one sentence:

R is a zombie who is unhappy with his shuffling existence and wants more from his life (or lack thereof), until he meets human Julie (get it? R and Julie! eh? eh?) and starts to remember what it means to be alive again…

The review in several paragraphs:

Zombie fatigue has set in. Not content with gracing B-movies for so many years, the undead have now escaped into every entertainment medium out there (except maybe reality TV, but I wouldn’t rule out zombie X Factor as a future possibility). The Shuffling Ones were once the domain of horror aficionados and those people who dress up for zombie marches every year. Now The Walking Dead is the most popular cable show in US history, classic literary texts are being retrofitted to include them, a new zombie video game seems to be released every week and even Brad Pitt is co-starring with them. Continue reading

Why The Walking Dead and Toy Story are the same

Here’s a very well-laid out argument for why the first three seasons of The Walking Dead are the exact same as the first three Toy Story movies.

It’s bizarre, but hard to argue with. Thanks to Joe vs the Volcano for pointing me to this.

Click the image below and then keep pressing “next”.

Spoilers for Toy Story 1-3 and The Walking Dead 1-3.

Zombie Story The Walking Dead Toy Story

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The 2nd Annual Spooool Awards

Forget the Oscars, if you haven’t already. One of my favourite film sites Spooool.ie has just revealed the winners of their 2013 Awards, which are infinitely more fun than the Oscars.

Categories include Best Facial Hair, Best Trailer for a Bad Film and Worst Trailer for a Good Film.

See the full list of winners here.

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Full Oscar Coverage on every other site in the world…

… here though, you’ll only find a blow-by-blow review of the trailer for Danny Dyer’s new film, “Run for your Wife”

0:07 – We’re told that the imaginatively named John Smith (Danny Dyer, playing himself) LOVES being a taxi driver. Which is representative of the sunny disposition of every taxi driver I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.

0:11 – Rolf Harris as a busker. Things are looking up.

0:15 – I didn’t think this was possible, but we’re informed that there’s something Danny Dyer loves more than being a taxi driver – his wife, Denise Van Outen. Remember when we all used to fancy Denise van Outen? That was the 90s, I think.

0:18 – Oh holy shit, he’s got another wife! It’s yer wan from Girls Aloud, I think. Remember when we all used to fancy her? No, I don’t remember either.

0:25 – We’re told that things were going great for our hero Danny Dyer, the happy-go-luck taxi-driving bigamist, until he prevented some poor old homeless woman from being mugged. What a stupid thing to do, apparently.

0:35 – Both wives wake up in the morning wondering where Danny Dyer is, and both ring the exact same police station at the exact same time and say the exact same words, in exact same split screen.

0:44 – Now, all the paparazzi in the UK is after Danny Dyer. “You’ll be on the front page,” he’s told by Neil Morrisey, indicating a complete lack of interesting news on this particular day. Continue reading

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