Dave Watching Stuff
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Ten Bullets: The Disappointment of the Xbox One Reveal
Right angles are so hot right now
I was so prepared to fall in love with the next Xbox console. I’ve been an Xbox die-hard ever since that first enormous, ugly black box came into my living room and took over the place with it’s state-of-the-art green menus, controller built for the giant-handed and… HALO!
But then Xbox One was revealed on Tuesday and I felt… nothing. Where’s the big leap forward? Where are the revolutionary new features? Why are you making it so hard for me to give a shit, Microsoft? These are all questions for which the answers could not be found via Google. Seriously, I tried.
It seems that Microsoft are putting all their eggs in the “all-in-one” entertainment basket and have forgotten about the gamer basket, full of ripe, fresh, free-range gamer eggs (analogy of the year). Sony won over gamers and developers with their “we love you and this is for you” approach to the PS4, but I feel like Microsoft may be spreading themselves a bit too thin trying to define their market as the entire living room. Xbox was naturally evolving to that level, but it cannot get there if they forget the device’s primary purpose – gaming. That’s the trojan horse that delivers all the other bullshit content. Gamers are the ones who will make the call as to whether the PS4 or Xbox One sits under the telly. Mums, Dads and Uncle Jims won’t be running out to buy it because they can live stream The X Factor while while waving their arms about and shouting “pause TV”.
It’s early days yet, but it’s a disappointing start for Xbox. Here’s ten of my bullet-thoughts on the event (my thoughts always come as bullet points):
- I can’t decide whether Xbox One is the stupidest name imaginable or a brilliant move in subtle, intelligent marketing. I’m leaning towards the former.
- Damn, it’s ugly looking. It’s even uglier than the first Xbox (shouldn’t that be called Xbox One?) It looks like a VHS player had sex with a PS2 and a NES and they can’t figure out whose ugly bastard child it is.
- The new controller doesn’t look very different, but the new rumble features sound interesting. I don’t think I’ve even used the word rumble since this and this.
- I don’t want to switch between TV and games by waving my arms in the air like a lunatic. Pressing the “input” button on the remote is just fine.
- However, I do like the idea of saying “Xbox On” and then… it comes on. That’s the future right there. If only my hoverboots could do the same.
- Personally, I’m not too worried about the “always online” feature, having a very reliable internet connection and living in an urban area. However, I do understand why it’s not a popular decision. Microsoft really skirted around the topic and should have made it clear what the parameters for this feature were, if it even exists.
- The Call of Duty trailer was quite good, but dear God, when will Call of Duty go away?
- Quantum Break, what a really annoying and stupid reveal trailer. But then, it is Remedy, who I trust, so I’ll reserve judgement.
- Also, having the word Quantum in the title has only ever worked for Leap.
- Where are all the other games? I hope they’re saving a lot for E3
The Inverted Pyramid of Star Trek Movies
I consider myself a bit of a trekkie. I grew up watching and loving The Next Generation, dabbled in reruns of the original series, quite liked DS9, religiously watched Voyager and tried my best to like Enterprise. But one thing has always eluded me: the movies. To date, I have only seen some of the original movies, all the Next Generation ones and the JJ Abrams “Star Wars” years.
To finally rectify this, I decided to watch every single Star Trek film in the run up to Into Darkness. My mission, if you will, was to explore strange, old movies, to seek out dated special effects and receding hairlines, to boldly go where millions of geeky men have gone before.
Oh, also I decided to rank them from good to bad in a classic inverted pyramid style, so… ya. As always, lists are dangerous, so for fear of the wrath of die-hard Trek fans, this list is entirely my own opinion and I do not wish to be embroiled in any arguments about whether Kirk or Picard is better, because Picard is.
Here are my brief thoughts on each movie aswell as some random notes I wrote down during each viewing:
SPOILERS FOR ALL Continue reading
The 2013 Game Anticipatometer
Last year I invented the Anticipatometer, a method of anticipation-measuring that involves a third-party shouting various movie titles at me while I bounce on a trampoline. A fourth-party then measures the seismic readings of my “leaps for joy”, then feeds that data to a physician who adjusts the measurements according to my size, weight and body mass index. The properties are then ranked accordingly.
Looking back on the 2012 Game Anticipatometer, it reads as a damning indication that long delays have become commonplace in the games industry. Half of the games I was looking forward to in 2012 did not come out in 2012 – Bioshock Infinite, The Last of Us, South Park, Aliens Colonial Marines and Star Trek. Three of those still haven’t been released and have rolled over onto my 2013 list, which you will find… below.
The 2013 Movie Anticipatometer
Last year I invented the Anticipatometer, a method of anticipation-measuring that involves a third-party shouting various movie titles at me while I bounce on a trampoline. A fourth-party then measures the seismic readings of my “leaps for joy”, then feeds that data to a physician who adjusts the measurements according to my size, weight and body mass index. The properties are then ranked accordingly.
Looking back on the 2012 results, there were some instances where my anticipatory leaps became mournful hops of regret (Prometheus, American Reunion) and others where I continued to leap for joy upon exiting the cinema (The Avengers, Django Unchained). The rest were pretty good and were worth the wait – except maybe GI Joe (I quite enjoyed it, but the wait outweighed its merits).
What’s interesting is that only one movie from the list (The Avengers) made it into my 2012 Top Ten at the end of the year (although Django would have made it had it not been released here in January). This could indicate that sometimes too much hype can kill a movie or that there were a lot of surprises in 2012 or just that the movies I get excited about are rarely the best ones.
Here are the ten movies I’m most leaping for throughout the rest of 2013 (could not for the life of me find a still for Gravity):
Oblivion: A melting pot of ideas we’ve already seen
The end of the world looks gorgeous in Oblivion. From its beautiful barren vistas to the crisp “how the 70s saw the future” white sheen of technology, it is a beauty to behold on the big screen. The design aesthetic is distinct and lovely and something director/writer/producer Joseph Kasinski can be proud of. What feels less distinctive is the narrative, and while it’s undoubtedly solid, it’s far from unique.
The plot in one sentence: The ridiculously named Jack Harper is the last man on a war-torn earth; a drone-repairmen left behind with the last woman on earth as they prepare to meet the rest of humanity on Saturn’s moon, their new home.
The review in several paragraphs: Aswell as looking great, Oblivion has a number of things going for it. Tom Cruise is on very decent form and continues to remind us that he’s still got the screen-presence to place his name above the title. He usually has two ways of playing a character – action hero or everyman. He plays this somewhere in the middle and despite some occasional cheese, it works. The supporting cast are all fine, with Morgan Freeman being Morgan Freeman and Olga Kurylenko being all mysterious and sultry. The standout was Andrea Riseborough, who had the more interesting of the female leads. Also, watch out for Jaime Lannister showing up and Melissa Leo doing a creepy southern accent. Continue reading
Back to Back: A Supercut
Here’s a cool supercut of characters with their backs to the camera. It seems to be a very popular thing to do in sci fi. I think it’s quite rude though.
